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Diary

 

Week 1

Wow! This is the best job ever! I am the luckiest girl alive! I can't believe they pay me 20 dollars an hour to pet these precious angels! They are so adorable. So beautiful. I could never ask for more. I will retire from here. I'm setting my 401k up today! I'm so excited. All the cats love me, and I love them. My life is so perfect.

 

Week 2

What a great job. I really can't believe my luck. I'm getting to know all the cats better, what they do and don't like, whose stomach you can touch and who will rip your arm off. You know, it's a learning experience for sure. But lucky me, this is great! My paycheck was amazing. They don't provide Neosporan here, but God knows I get paid enough, I'll just drop by Walmart on my way home.

 

Week 3

I'm so happy. Really I am. Yep. Love this place. Having some issues with this cat named Oscar, but otherwise things are going fairly well. Apparently I'm showing favoritism, or so they alleged in my review. I don't see it, but whatever. I like them all the same, and I'm sure I show no preference whatsoever. But I will just have to be more careful of it is all. Just a bad week, things will be better I'm sure. How can they not be? I have the perfect job.

 

Week 4

Going great still. Can an online diary get me in trouble at work? Just asking, because I'm needing to vent. That little bastard Oscar set me up. He's turned half the cats against me, and the other ones are wondering if they can trust me. I can feel it. Oscar is saying that I'm spreading ringworm, so nobody wants to come near me. I'm sure I got it from him the first week anyway. He's a nasty little man, I know that's where it came from. My insurance hasn't kicked in, so I spent $200 at the doctor trying to get this stuff cleared up. Oh, and they're docking my pay to get all the cats treated. I think it's bullshit, but this is still one of the best jobs I've ever had. Maybe if I just reach out to Oscar we can clear this whole mess up.

 

Week 5

Turns out Oscar's a real piece of shit. I'll tell you that much. I need a f*cking raise for all this shit I'm putting up with. I'm down to 3 cats who like me, probably only because none of the other cats like them. But it's a blessing to know who my true friends are. I'm sure Tripod, the three legged one, is my BFF to the end. We're tight. I know I shouldn't complain. No job is perfect. I'll hang in there and everything will be better! I just know it!

 

Week 6

F*ck this place!!! F*ck Oscar, and all the rest of the little bastards! I did not, I REPEAT DID NOT, sh*t in the litter box as accused. I know it was a big turd, but Oscars a fat ass! That thing could have come out of him. And just why would I do that anyway? Management doesn't believe me. They've installed cameras, and are saying they are monitoring alleged 'abuses'. What?! So I'm on a 90 day probation period now. They say there must be something truthful in it all with it being 30 against one. I hate them all. I would quit, but my lawyer says that would be almost like an admission of guilt. And no thanks to Tripod either. The little Benedict Arnold just licked his ass when they asked if anyone would speak on my behalf. God give me strength.

 

Six weeks later.....

 

I know it's been awhile since my last entry. I just came out of the coma, and I'm encouraged by the fact that I still have my writing arm. I don't remember much of the attack, but I hear the video has hit the internet. Friends and family insist I don't want to see it.

 

Apparently it all started when I slid on some cat food, and once I was down they made their move. I'm told I'll need skin graphs for the flesh on my thigh that was eaten away, but it will probably never look normal. I'm not much for shorts anyhow.

 

I guess I should be happy justice has finally been served. All the accused were sent to the animal shelter to be euthanized. Apparently once they get the taste of human flesh they can never be rehabilitated. They've informed me that I can sit in for Oscar's execution if I'm well enough. Do they sell popcorn at those events?

 

Being the optimist I am, the lawsuit will provide for me the rest of my life. And isn't the perfect job really being able to stay home? I'm so excited. I just know everything will be perfect! I get to watch soaps all day, and just do any darn thing I want. Now that, my friends is the perfect job. You'll see. 

 

P.S. Oh, and I'm getting a dog!!! Turns out the government provides dogs for those with disabilities such as mine. He is going to pull me all over town on that skateboard the hospital issued me. We're going to be best friends!

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I'm really sleepy right now. I know tomorrow when I read this I'm going to think I'm an idiot. Goodnite all.