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2006年10月 Your Halloween ForecastAries- March 21-April 20
Trick or treat shithead. Turn your porch light off, lay your fat ass on the couch, and stuff down as many Reese's peanut butter cups as possible to ease the pain of being such a pathetic freak.
Taurus- April 21-May 21
Good news this Halloween! You won't have to go through the irritation of dressing up this year because you've gained 30 pounds and could only fit into a hippo suit. And hippos aren't in this year. Maybe you could join Aries and cry over some Snickers.
Gemini- May 22-June 21
Superman costumes are super popular this year, and I hear they are now equipped with the ability to actually fly!. My suggestion for a fun and festive Halloween is to rent one and go jump off a building! Let us know how it turns out!
Cancer- June 22-July22
Remember when you were little, dressed as that little ghost with the sheet your mom had spent so many hours tailoring just for you? And remember how you went to school and all the kids laughed at you about your gay ghost suit? And they pulled the sheet off and you had peed your pants? Ok. Just making sure you remembered.
Leo- July 23-August 21
This year at the company party, try wearing a costume before you get drunk and do the Tootsie Roll on the boss's desk. And just a friendly reminder, no one likes you, so utilize your Halloween costume to the fullest by changing your personality as well to ensure you won't be recognized.
Virgo- August 22-September 23
Watch who your criticize this Halloween. You probably already have several death threats, and telling Jason his mask is crooked and his knife is all wrong could leave you with some very untidy and well deserved blood stains. Shut the fuck up.
Libra- September 24-October 23
Take off a day from being a whore, and perhaps dress up as Sponge Bob or something. You can resume your hooker activities tomorrow. Stay away from little children and farm animals to ensure success.
Scorpio- October 24-November 22
You will surely be safe this Halloween, seeing as you can't join in the festivities from prison. We understand why you poisoned the candy. The little bastards probably deserved it. Cheer up.
Sagittarius- November 23-December 22
You really aren't a very good person, so chances are you didn't get invited to a Halloween party. That's about it.
Capricorn- December 23-Januray 20
Nothing much on the Halloween front this year for you, but rumor has it God is discontinuing Capricorns from this point on. Apparently you are that bad. Ok. Well have a great Halloween then.
Aquarius- Januray 21- February 19
Forget about Greenpeace and PETA for a night. Get drunk, wear a fur coat, and club a seal. Live a little. Or better yet, club a trick-or-treater and take their candy. Resume tree hugging tomorrow.
Pisces- February 20- March 20
You're really boring so it's terribly hard coming up with even the most treacherous horoscope other than, in the future you will stay boring and still be a big fat pushover who gives everyone your last donut and ends up getting laughed at basically forever. Ok, well be sure to wear your reflectors and look both ways before crossing the street.
I hope you all have a very Happy and Safe Halloween! God bless!
2006年10月 So...So I'm going through my mail earlier, catching up on all I missed, when I came across an email from "Birdhurd", or Birdturd as I so affecionately refer to him. He's a disgusting Eagles fan of the worst kind. One of those who likes to smoosh it in a Cowboy fans face, which of course I would never ever do. Because it's just fundamentally wrong. And he will probably go to hell for it.
Anyhow. I wear a size 34 D bra. This is critical information you will need to retain for later in the story.
So I'm watching the Dallas-Eagles game Sunday. This matchup is never never never beneficial for Dallas. I want to come through the screen and beat them with dead chickens and kick them all in the shin. It's a very stressful thing to watch this matchup. I find myself having angry thoughts, and I imagine if they did some research they would find this is when most of the crimes happen, after a game like this. It's enough to make somebody snap.
So anyway, I don't have to tell you Dallas lost. Because this is what they do. If Dallas was a man, I am positive he would have a mullet and a barbeque stained wifebeater. He would probably work at the Piggly Wiggly.
No matter. I'm faithful to my....team. Eh hem.
But I did come to a realization while watching this game. Besides the fact that Bill Parcells is a humongous loser with no ability to draft effective players, the man's boobies are bigger than mine. And people, I mean way bigger. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't it be better to have a semi-cute woman with some football knowledge managing a team than a big boobied loser man with a muffin top like nobody's business? Come on. What a punk ass bitch he is.
So Birdturd, thanks for the reminder that my team is a bunch of fudgepackers. And the coach needs a man bra. And a new personality. And a kick in the ass. *sigh*. Bastards.
I'm changing teams. I've been liking Seattle for a couple of years. Maybe that's who I will love from now on. Either way I'm breaking up with Dallas. Who should I pick? And I don't want to hear the Eagles either. Or San Francisco. Or the Giants. Or any red team. I'm waiting to hear your thoughts on this.
By the way, just for my friend Em, a special mental picture.....
Earlier, my dad came out on the porch in his underwear, socks and tennis shoes....LMAO!!! Sleep well sweety.
Peter N. suggested I go with the Redskins and celebrate their continuous, non-disappointing mediocrity. Great suggestion, however they are a RED team. Red makes me look like a raw chicken. Plus no self respecting ex-Dallas fan could stoop that low. That would be like U.S. changing its name to Germany. C'mon.
2006年10月 God Help Me*Sigh*
Well. I tell you what's worse than doing 3 hours of math homework when you suck at math, which I do. And before I get into this too much, I would like to give you a sample problem from my 'Quantitative Reasoning Math', which is the biggest load of bullshit I ever did see. This is actually one of the problems in my book. 9 million points to whoever gets it right and explains why:
If 5 X 7=0, then fish can fly. True of False?
So anyway, I'm doing my homework, stressing out. By the way, I do my homework in the bar, because I can't concentrate at home. My dad dances around with his ukelaley...(how the hell do you spell that?!) and his harmonica, and it's totally impossible to decipher if fucking fish can fly in those conditions.
So I finish the homework and come home. I come home excited by the fact that I had a brand new toothbrush, still in the package, just waiting for me. You know things are looking dismal when a new toothbrush is exciting. So I get home and go to open the toothbrush. Now in my lifetime, I have needed alcohol to cope with lots of things, but I never expected that trying to open that package would send me over the edge.
It did.
You know, maybe it's just me, but if Al Qaeda terrorists can't get in our toothbrushes, how the hell did they hijack our planes? Tell me. Enlighten me please. I spent 30 minutes trying to get in that stupid ass package, only to end up in this chair with a big ass glass of wine and a bent up toothbrush (still packaged) lying across the room where I threw it. Had I had a chainsaw nearby, this would be a non-issue. But people, it's an issue.
This whole toothbrush bullshit reminded me of so many times something is packaged in the most ridiculous way possible. Curling irons have the same packaging. I find it amazing that any non-felon can walk in any gun store and walk away with an UNPACKAGED gun and shoot people, but God forbid you let the motherfucker brush his teeth. See, this is why people shoot people. As if life isn't hard enough, all you wanna do is get home an brush your teeth, but no. Oh no. Add a cavity in the mix and see if you can't get a Lifetime movie out of it.
Wow. I feel better. I just really needed to vent. I think I will go downstairs and get a knife and....he he....(fun thought, but I'll spare you) cut the motherfucker open. Tomorrow when my mother is baffled why the knife won't cut, I'll smile, knowing that all this happened for a reason. Now she can't kill my dad with that knife for singing Tiny Tim in his underwear. How's that for perspective.
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