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November, 2008 Weekly HorrorscopeAries (March 21-April 20)
If you leave the house this week you will die. Seriously. Ok. You can't believe what horoscopes tell you, but you will die if you leave the house. Not really. REALLY.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Thanksgiving is quickly approaching, but your whole family hates you. Even the people at Luby's don't want you over. On a brighter note, at least you aren't an Aries.
Gemini (May 22-June 21)
God hates Geminis. That's why your life sucks. Satan is a Gemini. Maybe you and Satan, aka your other personality, can get a bite to eat and talk about how much you suck.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
If the zodiac had a runt it would be you. And not the kind where everybody says, oh wow he's so great can you believe he was the runt of the litter? No. More like, Jimmy, leave Cancer alone, he's not right, he's the runt of the litter you know.
Leo (July 23-August 21)
You are just a run of the mill, standard bad person. Nothing good will happen to you this week or ever again. You should go out with Aries this week.
Virgo (August 22-September 23)
You're going straight to hell. Maybe not this week, but you're going.
Libra (September 24-October 23)
Your partner is cheating on you mainly because they never really loved you. What else....oh yeah. You were the reason your parents got divorced.
Scorpio (October 24-November 22)
Some people were born to be world leaders, others were born to be doctors and missionaries. No less important is the stalker, for which you were born to be. This week, own it.
Sagittarius (November 23-December 22)
Not just anyone can be as worthless as you. It takes real skill and inate depravity to reach the bottom of the barrel as you have. This week, take the family for an informative tour of your meth lab.
Capricorn (December 23-January 20)
You know what they say. Capricorns are the most unwanted sign of the zodiac. Who is they, you ask? Your mom.
Aquarius (January 21-February 19)
God is recalling all Aquarius'. It seems He forgot to put a soul in you guys. Hurry and do wrong stuff this week so it can't count against you.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Yes Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel please. F_CK_N P_SSY.
Thanks.I realized something interesting today at work.
Let me first start by saying that I work with almost 60 men and only 5 women. I don't have to tell you that the language can get pretty rough with a bunch of men around. It doesn't bother me, and good thing, because they don't censor themselves. My first two weeks on the job I got mooned and got the goat. For those of you who don't know what the goat is, you're a better person for it.
Anyway, this morning alone I heard:
"Suck it"
"Eat my balls"
"Mmm I like fish tacos - extra tartar sauce please"
"Blow me f*ck face"
Quality communication.
Then in came the snack guy. He handed me an invoice to sign and said these magical words along with an uncomfortable wink and nod: "I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but you sure are pretty."
Disrespectful? Hell, I've seen more sets of balls in this place than I can even begin to block out. And then I wondered, have I gotten so immune to depravity that a little mild sexual harrassment seems like chivalry?
Yes.
"Thanks" I told him. And I meant it. November, 2008 Name this mental disorderI work with a creature I believe to be a psychopath.
However.
Being the logical, fairminded individual that I am, I am inclined to collect opinions from others in order to ensure my diagnosis is correct. That being said, please correct me if necessary, based on the following field data collected observing this creature:
EXHIBIT A: THE LAUGH
It is blonde and I do my best not to provoke it. By provoke, I mean say anything that the creature could construe as remotely funny.
It laughs at inappropriate times. By laugh, I mean it makes a noise something like a cross between the scream of a wild panther cat and the blow of an air horn.
For example:
It says: "Here is your folder" and "laughs". This "laugh" can and will melt your face off. And even though there is nothing funny about "here is your folder", it laughs wildly as if nothing has ever been funnier in the history of the world. I have dissected the phrase "here is your folder" and examined it from every angle. It was a standard manila folder with no special hilarious features - Benny Hill had not taken up residence in the folder. It merely contained timesheets. Nothing funny there.
Upon further observation, I find that the creature exhibits this same behavior after saying things such as, "I'll see you tomorrow" , "Going out to lunch?" , or any other standard small talk phrase that you can imagine. But it gets much worse.
EXHIBIT B: THE BIG EYE / LAUGH COMBO
Its eyes grow simultaneously with the volume of the "laughter". Hence, the louder the laugh gets, the bigger the eyes get. This is very scary indeed, for it is not known what amount of pressure its eyeballs can withstand before shooting right out of its head and taking someone else's eye out. It is recommended that one use proper PPE when in this situation. But it gets worse.
EXHIBIT C: THE BIG EYE / LAUGH / INVADE PERSONAL BUBBLE SUPER COMBO
Only seasoned veterans accustomed to its behavior can survive this super combo. This is the equivalent of pouring muratic acid on a snail. It is nothing to f*ck with, people. I have seen grown men sizzle into small puddles of crispy burnt human residue, unable to withstand the super combo.
What happens is the louder it laughs, and the bigger its eyes get, the closer its face gets to yours. A tree in the anus could not be more uncomfortable. In fact, it may indeed be a welcome alternative. Furthermore, it does not blink. Its unblinking big eyes stare four inches from your face whilst the "laugh" blows your face and hair back, much like that of skydiving.
I have survived much the same way as Arnold Schwarzenegger did in Predator. Upon hearing its little size 6's thumping there way over to my desk, I slather myself in mud and remain very very still. It looks closely, its tentacles searching restlessly for signs of life - it knows it is being deceived in some way, but its alien-like senses are no match for my cunning.
____________________________________________________
I have been fortunate enough to survive living amongst the creature and document its behavior, although I must say I have wept quietly at night, wondering why God could not have sent the demon from "The Grudge" to live in my bathtub instead. But we cannot dictate the hand of God. I have accepted the fact that it is my duty to educate others in the hopes that they too may live to tell of their harrowing experiences.
There are many more than three exhibits. I thought I would begin slowly, as to not overwhelm right away. It is alot to take. What I need are others like me, who have come face to face with a creature such as this and lived to tell about it. My question is, IS THERE A NAME FOR THIS? I look forward to examining your casework.
Thank you all, and be safe out there.
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